You Make My Heart Race!

I expressed 75ml in the early hours of the morning. This morning Corgan was more active. We took turns to hold his hand and this excited him quite a bit and it excited us too...His heart rate kept going up and setting off the alarms...the nurses showed us how to cancel that alarm. His arterial tube was removed during the night and his left foot seems to be less blue. He rested nicely most of the morning. Corgan's feed has been increased to 1,5ml every three hours... Shane had his first chance to feed Corgan by slowly squeezing the 1,5ml from the syringe. Doctor Roos came and told us that Corgan is doing ok against the jaundice. In the afternoon we found Corgan all freshened up and with new dressings and bed linen. He was more active than this morning and opening his mouth and blowing bubbles of spit now and then. His ventilation was back on the quivering mode. Later it was normal again...Shane fed Corgan while I expressed...I expressed 80ml this time. Shane is going back to work tomorrow so we planned a schedule...Parents are allowed in the NICU from 06h00 to 22h00, and between 13h00 and 15h00 is quiet time for the babies where the lights are turned down, babies are not handled and parents have to wait outside...so we decided that we'd get up and be at the NICU by 06h00 so that Shane could also spend time with Corgan before going to work (he starts at 7am), then at Quiet time I will go home and cook etc, then Shane will pick me up at home when he is finished work and we'd go back to the hospital for the evening...

Hazy Blue Glow

We woke up at about 07h30 still feeling exhausted. We went to the hospital and found that Corgan was now quite calm and resting under a Photo Therapy light that highlighted him in a hazy blue glow. His toes were not as brown as yesterday. We thought he had new ear orange ear muffs on and when we asked the nurse where his old yellow ones were (because we wanted to keep them) she showed us that they were still the same ones as she turned off the blue light for a moment - they were still the yellow ones. His feed was increased to 1ml this morning. He was very calm the whole time we were there. I am now expressing every 3 hours in the day and every 4 hours at night...I am expressing at home using a Medela pump (borrowed to me by a friend of my sister who has been through what I am going through now) and at the hospital using their breast pump...We collected Corgan's birth certificate from Maternity ward...Corgan has a Blood gas done done every day...he had chest x-rays this afternoon - the mobile x-ray unit is brought into the NICU and x-rays are taken right were Corgan is...the x-ray showed that the ET tube is a bit too deep...it had to be extracted by 1cm...it is only about 7cm into him...he was much calmer once the tube was moved...the pipe attached to the ventilator seemed to be quivering a lot now...later it was back to normal...Corgan's mouth and lips look so dry, his lips even looked cracked and a bit bloody...his oxygen level dropped a bit, they called it "desatting", and his alarms sounded - his nurse had to use some sort of pump thing on him and then his "SpO2" went back to 100%...Corgan's toes are very brown now...it looks like frost bite...Dr Roos says it is due to poor circulation, he said they would gradually remove the arterial line in his belly button...I expressed 60 ml per expression today...

First Feed

We went to visit Corgan as soon as we got up this morning...Shane slept on the chair again last night...at 12h00 a feeding tube was inserted into Corgan's mouth and he was fed 0,5ml of Colostrum...We were in and out of the NICU the whole day...When Dr Nagel came to see me he told me that medical aid would allow him to keep me for until tomorrow now that my baby has been born...I said I would like to go home today...I was so miserable and confused...I didn't know if I wanted to be here at the hospital or anywhere for the matter...I just felt numb...I wasn't really sore from the C-section, I don't think my mind would allow me to feel the pain...I didn't even take any pain medication...I had only asked for an injection the day Corgan had arrived...Shane discovered that the car battery was dead...he got some car guards to give him a push start...he drove around the block and then came back to the hospital...Kerry from discovery came to visit me and see how everything is going...When we left the hospital I sobbed the whole way home...I was pregnant, I had my baby and now I am going home without him...? I felt so heart broken :( We basically went home, dropped off my stuff and went straight back to see Corgan...I was feeling like I missed him...I missed feeling him kicking inside of my...I missed knowing that he was there, in my belly...I missed knowing that he was allright...Shane's father came to see his grandson tonight...Corgan's shades were lifted for a few minutes, we could see his forehead and his closed eyes...he was given another 0,5ml of milk...he is tolerating it well...In the evening Corgan was very restless...we could see him silently crying...he didn't make a sound due to being on the ventilator...that was so heart breaking...seeing your baby cry...not hearing him...not being able to do a single thing...I let Corgan hold my finger...he gripped it so tightly - he was much stronger than I expected he would be...He calmed down for a little while and then became restless again...he kept yanking at the ET tube going down his nose. When we left he was still restless...his heartbeat over 210 bpm. It was very distressing and sadly upsetting. We noticed that the skin on his arms seemed slightly yellow and wondered if it was the start of Jaundice as predicted by the doctors and nurses...When we left I cried the whole way home...even worse than leaving your baby, is leaving your baby when he seems so distressed...later at home I could hear an emotional Shane talking to his sister on the phone...when he hung up he sat by himself for a few minutes sobbing...

Express Yourself!

I woke up at about 05h00...I told the very first nurse that I saw that I want the catheter taken out so I can shower and go see my baby...We went to visit Corgan quite a few times today...I walked, I didn't want to be pushed in a wheelchair all day! Corgan was very active...he seemed quite unsettled...arms were still waving around...did this poor baby ever sleep?! I started expressing today, I got quite a bit already....The NICU only allows grandparents one visit for the entire time that babies are admitted...My mom used her visit tonight, she couldn't wait to meet her grandson...judging by her reaction she was so shocked...she was tearful as she looked at him...she said she couldn't believe how tiny he was...We met Dr JF Roos, he will be taking care of Corgan for the next few days while Dr Egner is away...Later we got to touch our baby for a little while again...my wedding ring was sterilised and put on Corgan's arm...it went right up to his shoulder...

He's Perfect....

At about 04h00 I woke up with hectic stomach cramps...I got up to go to the bathroom...I could feel I was bleeding..when I got to the bathroom there was so much blood...I was passing huge clots of blood...I rang the alarm for the nurse, Dot...she took me to the “First Stage Labour” room...she checked my blood pressure, inserted a new drip and phoned Dr Nagel...She could only pick up my heartbeat and not the baby’s...Dr Nagel told her to check if I had started diallating and I had...at this point I was bleeding very heavily...blood would go through three or four maternity pads at once...I was so scared, I had never seen so much blood before…I felt quite horrible, yet quite numb at the same time...I was so glad that Shane refused to go home last night…I was prepped for surgery...Dot, told us that she did not want to upset us but she needed to know whether we wanted a burial should anything go wrong...Shane said that we would only think of that should the need arise...Someone came to do a blood compound to order blood in case I needed a blood transfusion...Dr Nagel found the baby’s heartbeat when he checked...he discussed the options with us...he recommended an emergency Caesarean...he said he was not keen to stall and wait for the blood to arrive in case the placenta or baby did not survive long enough and I was losing a lot of blood...he said he would use the ICU’s emergency blood if I needed it...he also said he thinks I should have general anaesthetic to save time and because he was not sure what to expect once we’re in the theatre...he warned that it could be a miscarriage or a still birth, and even if the baby was born alive who knew what would happen next, he said the main thing now is that we need to get the baby out a.s.a.p because now it is a risk for both the baby and I...He also said that Shane would not be allowed to be present for the birth...Dr Nagel said he would try to get Dr Egner to come as he is very good at “looking after these little babies”... Then Doctor Cloetee came and also recommended General Anaesthetic...I was taken to theatre...my husband was allowed in just to come say goodbye...all I could think about was that I may not get to meet my baby…I might not even see my husband again…I was put to sleep at about 05h15 and Corgan was born at 05h23, 14 weeks/3 months premature...a few minutes after that Shane saw Dot and Dr Egner come rushing past, Dr Egner said that they were having some difficulty and he would speak to Shane later...I woke up in the Recovery Room at about 05h50...the first thing I asked was “Where is my husband?”...he was already standing next to me...I was too afraid to ask about my baby...I remember saying that I really needed to pee...and being told that I have a catheter so I should just go ahead... Dr Egner came to fetch my husband...

Once I was settled in a private ward in the Maternity ward (arranged by management, as they thought we may need privacy) my husband returned grinning from ear to ear...the first thing he said was “He’s perfect....he is really tiny but he is so perfect...” he then told me that our son actually weighed about 100g less than predicted earlier in the week...520g...He said he took a photo to show me...

He said he had told them that his name is Corgan...Before my husband and I even started dating I had asked him if we could name our son Corgan one day...It comes from William Patrick Corgan (Billy Corgan) of the Smashing Pumpkins...they are one of both of our all time favourite bands... a little while later Dr Egner came to see me and tell me that my son was in a stable condition in the NICU...that was the longest day of my life...I refused to sleep, still weary from the anaesthetic, I kept wanting to go and see my baby...I eventually got to see him at about 9pm...And I was absolutely stunned...the photos really did not show how tiny he really was...it was so unreal...he was perfect...It felt like a thunder storm of emotions happening inside of me during that first meeting…so happy that he is alive, and so amazingly perfect…but also so sad to see my baby so tiny, with so many things attached to him…and to feel so helpless…I could hardly see his face as he had “shades” on and these hideous earmuffs and a little white hat on, and the strappings for the ventilator tube took up most of his tiny little face, I could just see his little mouth…his legs were as thin as my pinkie finger…his arms were waving around as if he was trying to find something...he had already made his first bowel movement which they said was a good sign...he has arterial lines going into his belly button...some of his toes have gone a bit brown from the umbilical catheter...he has Cardio-respiratory monitor leads – one on either side of his chest and one on his left side...there is a temperature probe attached to his right side...there's a drip in his left arm...the smallest size Endotracheal tube inserted into his right nostril, it look uncomfortable…There is an Oximeter probe on his foot, the nurses alternate it between my hands and feet...For now he's being “fed” with TPN…he has lanugo on his body still…the Sister looking after him allowed us to touch him for a few brief moments...he is considered a “minimal handling” baby because he is still supposed to be in my womb and therefore not ready to be handled...back in the ward I was emotional and exhausted...

Under Observation

I woke up feeling a lot better...no pain, no bleeding and I could feel “Goog” kicking...but the nurses couldn't hear the fetal heartbeat...they said that we should not worry if I say I can feel movement because the machine is designed for full term babies so it is probably just because he is small...they said to wait for Dr Nagel...When he came he recommended that I stay in hospital under observation...I was then taken across to his rooms so that he could do a scan himself to see what is going on...he said baby was not under stress at this point...my placenta looked very bad...he checked to see if I had dilated at all...I had not...my cervix was still tightly closed...He said he strongly suggests that Shane go to work so long as we don’t know what to expect, I could be in hospital for a long time, or things could end quite horribly and he may need time off work…so after the scan etc Shane went home to shower and then went to work...he came straight back to the hospital after work…that night he wouldn’t go home again, I even tried to convince him as the chair did not look comfortable at all…

Boy...I'm Bleeding...

This next morning, my husband was just about ready to leave for work when I woke up with such bad stomach cramps...I was also bleeding quite heavily...We rushed to NetCare Parklands...Dr Nagel had said we must go straight to labour ward and that he’d meet us there...When we arrived at Labour ward we were met by a wonderful group of very caring midwives that all started tending to me straight away...they were fantastic...I was put onto a drip and my blood pressure was taken...it was high...they could still hear the baby’s heart beat...When Dr Nagel came he said he’d like me to have a scan...the bleeding had slowed down a lot now....I was 26 weeks pregnant at this point...

At the radiology department I had an Ultrasound...the lady that conducted the Ultrasound said that my baby was very small for 26 weeks...the machine measured him to be a few weeks behind...she said that my placenta had pulled a bit away from the side of my uterus and that it was in a very bad condition...my baby’s estimate weight was now 619g according to the machine...he was also in a breached position which would mean a dangerous natural birth if the baby had to come anytime soon...Dr Nagel suggested I stay in hospital and to try continue the pregnancy for as long as possible to give the baby a better chance of survival, he said every week, even every day would make a difference...My husband stayed with me the whole day…that night the Sister said that she can’t force Shane to leave but she does recommend it…he did not…J he slept in an armchair at my bedside holding my hand…during the night the Sister brought him a pillow and a blanket…

My Cousin, What A Little Miracle

I lay awake in bed for ages, thinking about all the what if's....I ended up thinking about my cousin...we are quite close...he was born at 29 weeks...he weighed just 1kg...is that just amazing? Such a small little baby? He's now 20 years old...

No Report....

My next check up with Dr Nagel was today...He said that my placenta really did not look healthy...the baby was still smaller than he should be but he had definitely grown since my last appointment and he is in proportion...he had not yet received a report from Dr Bhorat but we told him everything we had been told...

MRI

The MRI was today – it was loud and horrible...my husband was allowed to stay with me...I was given headphones and they played classical music, but it didn't do much about lessening the noise...it got quite warm as well...I was asked to hold my breath a few times as well, it felt like forever sometimes...the baby was very active throughout the whole hour of the MRI...possibly the most active he had ever been...after the MRI the doctor from the Radiology department asked if he could do an Ultrasound scan...he too said that the baby was very small for his gestational age...he said he was going to compile a report and have a chat with Dr Bhorat...we went and waited in Dr Bhorat’s rooms while they discussed the scans...a little while later Dr Bhorat called us into his office...he told us that my placenta had bled into the membrane that surrounds it and had formed like a “blood sac”...he was surprised that I had not experienced any external bleeding throughout my pregnancy...he said that this sac was taking up space the baby needs to grow...he told us that there was not much to do about it now but we would have to watch baby closely during the third trimester and I would most definitely need an early delivery...